I hate when people tell me I remind them of that guy on Seinfeld. It is rude and insensitive. It’s a backhanded way of pointing out that I’m fat, and I’d really appreciate it if people didn’t compare me to Newman. It stirs up a well of feelings, from anger to frustration to sadness. It hurts. Sometimes I think these continuing insults are reason enough to subject myself to bariatric surgery.

So, for the record, here is a list of some of the differences between me and Newman:

• I’m a real person, with feelings. Newman is a fictional character played by an actor named Wayne Knight. Any physical resemblance between me and Wayne is purely coincidental.
• Newman is mean, manipulative, crude and evil. I’m a pleasant guy and I generally try to maintain a positive attitude. Newman doesn’t.
• People who watch Seinfeld, including me, usually hate Newman. People usually like me.
• I’ve got an amazing, beautiful wife and two incredible children. Newman lives alone with his misery.
• I’m not a mailman (frankly, if I was I probably wouldn’t be so overweight).

I don’t mean to be so tongue-in-cheek, because this really does piss me off. So don’t do it anymore.